How many things do we do because we think we have to? How many of us went to college, picked a career, got married, had kids and bought a house because we thought it’s what we should do? The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because of an article I saw where a woman purposely gave up primary custody of her kids when she got a divorce. It’s what she wanted and it wasn’t because she had issues or hadn’t been a good mom (at least according to her). I don’t have a problem with this. A man can choose not to have primary custody and it’s an accepted practice (at least here in the US), but if a woman does it, then she’s a “bad” mom. The debate over whether the mother or father should have custody of the kids isn’t the point though. The issue is why we feel we have to follow some norm that may or may not be right for us. Wouldn’t it be better to acknowledge that you don’t want to have kids before you have them, instead of thinking you have to do it because it’s expected of you?
I know parents that push their kids to go to college. They push hard. The kids don’t really have a choice in the matter. I wonder how well they’ll do under those circumstances. Sure, there are probably kids out there that would do well in college and just need a push, but what if it’s not what they want to do? Depending on what they want to do with their lives, maybe a degree isn’t all that important. When I was young, I didn’t have a lot of choice about college. My parents couldn’t afford it and they pushed me to “get a job”. For them, that made the most sense. They came from a generation when college wasn’t that big of a deal. They believed you should get a “good” job and work at some company until you retired. That may have made sense for them, but as they said “times they were a changin’”. College was definitely optional then, but now it’s as though, college is required. Do we really have to have a degree? College seems to be more about turning out good corporate robots instead of helping to create free thinkers and entrepreneurs. I know there are teachers out there who care and really want to teach and not be forced into following a curriculum that was probably designed in the 1950′s, but the powers that be won’t let them. It’s a shame too. A great teacher can be the catalyst that lights the fire in someone destined for great things.
How many people bought a house because they thought it’s just what you do or it’s a good investment. Not so much now, eh? Sure, the values might go back up or maybe they’ll just stagnate for the next ten years. Who knows? If you want to buy a house, that’s fine. Maybe you have kids and you want to put roots down. Good for you! Go for it! This article isn’t for people who know beyond a shadow of a doubt what they want. It’s for those who do it regardless of whether they want it. I’ve done this. You’re not alone. I bought a house a couple of years ago. I knew on some level it was stupid, but I did it anyway, for all the wrong reasons. Now, I can’t sell it and the value keeps dropping. I hate taking care of the yard, the house is too big and the mortgage payment is keeping me from doing things I want to do, like quit my job. I could have kept renting for awhile longer and I would have been out of that job by now, but no…I had to be stupid. So, don’t feel like you’re alone. It took me getting stuck with it to realize just how much I didn’t want a house. I had all these fantasies about what I wanted to do. I was going to have a garden and I was going to make the house ultra green! Maybe even install solar panels. HA! Anyone know how much that costs? The only solar panels I’ll be getting are maybe some cheap sunglasses. 
Don’t get me wrong either, it’s a great house in a nice neighborhood, but it’s just so not me. I work way too much to even think about spending time gardening. Keeping the grass cut is enough of a major ordeal. Any free time I have I’d rather spend on my blog or out with friends or doing other things that don’t equate to household chores. The moral of this story is before you make a major commitment, really search your feelings. Are you willing to do all the work it will take to maintain it? There are costs too. Don’t believe for a second you can just outsource all household work. It may sound reasonable, but sometimes it’s expensive and sometimes it’s just hard to find people to do the work and do it well.
I also wonder how many people have gotten married that weren’t really sure they should have? Maybe that’s got something to do with the 60% divorce rate? Marriage is hard and it’s take work. Add kids and it just got even harder. There is nothing wrong with getting married or having kids, if it’s what you want. I also realize you can’t ever be 100% certain, but at least be as certain as you can be. The marriage still might not last, but if you go into it for the wrong reasons, it surely won’t last. How many women rush into marriage because they want to have a baby and are running out of time? How many men get married because their parents are pushing for grandkids? How many people just get married because they figure they have to? Another thing, while we’re on this topic….tell your potential partner if you don’t want kids or you don’t really want to get married. If that is their goal, then it’s not fair to string them along just to tell them you don’t want those things. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree with me about getting married, but just think about why you feel so strongly about it? Is it because you truly are a fan of marriage and think it’s the only way, or is it because we’ve just had it beat into us that this is how you do it….period? If you’re totally into marriage, great….you know what you want and you should go down that path, but if you’re someone who isn’t sure why you think you should do it, explore that before you leap.
There are so many things we do because we just think we have to or it’s expected. Maybe it’s time to stop doing that. Maybe we should start looking at our own feelings and think about what we really want? How many of us would have gone down totally different paths with our lives if we’d made our choices based on what we really wanted and not what we thought we had to do? Would you be in the career you’re in? Maybe even stuck in? It’s never too late to change gears and do what you want. It may take time to extricate yourself from the current path, but it’s possible. It just takes courage to admit what you want. From that point on, you can make your plans with your new goals in mind. There are so many inspirational stories of people who made their leaps even though they were almost paralyzed with fear. Check out Second Act (if you click on this link, the videos plays automatically) on Yahoo! Video. There are some great videos about people that have made major changes in their lives. Once my house sells, I’ll be making my leap and if it doesn’t sell, I’ll work on alternate plans. Where there’s a will….
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